R - I - P

I'll be leaving this blog, closing it down or just leave it as it is here. Will not update nor blog in anymore.

This blog existed from the very start is for my recovery and re-discovering myself from my past depression. Least did I expect that it is also what brought me back to the depression. Instead of seeking solace, it brought me back to my sorrows and drowning me back. Lost.

I'll be leaving this community and also other activities to live back my life in solitary.

To my faithful readers. To the ones that sees my depression these two weeks.. Glad that you understands me so well. Even though I try to laugh and smile, you could see it through. Sorry that I couldn't hide it well. Its not what I could control.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough. - Patti Smith: Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with youExcuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody elseSomebody who gave a damn,Somebody more like myselfThese foolish games are breading my heartyour thoughtless words are breaking my heart. - Jewel:Foolish Games

I told you everything Opened up and let you in You made me feel alright For once in my life Now all that's left of me Is what I pretend to be So together but so broken up inside Cause I can't breathe No I can't sleep I'm barely hanging on. - Kelly Clarkson : Behidn these hazel eyes

I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut My weakness is that I care too much My scars remind me that the past is real I tear my heart open just to feel. - Papa Roach:Scars

The trouble with love isIt can tear you up insideMake your heart believe a lieIt's stronger then your prideThe trouble with love isIt doesn’t care how fast you fallAnd you can’t refuse the callSee you’ve got no say at all Every time I turn aroundI think I’ve got it all figured outMy heart keeps callinAnd I keep on fallinOver and over againThis set story always ends the sameMe standin in the pouring rainIt seems no matter what I doIt tears my heart in two- Kelly Clarkson:The Trouble With Love

:: HeartFelt Words of Mine ::

Till the end of our lives, Ciao! Rest In Peace.

Lost In It

I kept on thinking to myself. Haven't I fell to this hole before? No, I shouldn't fall in
again, walk pass it and leave it, no matter how it is. But then came along a butterfly, not
very colorful or pretty, but looks promising and lovely. This butterfly came to tell me that
there are many big apples that could be found in the hole! But i've fallen in this hole
before, its very painful, and it took me more than a year to climb back up! The butterfly
kept on insisting that its not going to be painful and its going to taste good! But I'm not
looking to eat one or two apples, I want to be filled all through my years. Then the
butterfly flap on the wings and came to my side, don't worry i'll take you down the hole to
eat those apples together. I'll ensure that you'll not fall and you'll going to be filled
through the years in it. Stupidly losing my guard feeling, defence and sense.. I followed
the butterfly's lead, before I could turn around, the butterfly trip me down fall back down
the hole hitting my whole body from the fall! Shit! I fell into this hole again.. then the
butterfly flew off ignoring the my pleas that is in tears and pain and hurt. Into depression I drown myself in tears wondering why.. again, I try to climb back up from this hole. How long will it take again? Why do I fall back to the same hole? Losing myself again..Haven't I seen it before? Haven't I warned myself not to?

Nothing to look foward to

These few days was a torture to me. I wish I could say why, but speechless I am.
Theres this deal that I finally am able to take up this deal that would blow my this month's
number totally. My first month number! Amazing? Yeah. So? Why am I not happy at all? Could I
say why? Hey! Its such a big number with a total solution. Blowing your quota! Isn't that
what you've been working so hard for? I've been working hard on so many, yet this is not
what makes me smile.
Every day I work hard yet I am always looking to leave work early as soon as I could so that
I can be there to .. whatever it is. But this time round.. I just don't want to leave work.
No, i don't want to leave my cubicle. For what? "Your job is done..you can actually leave,
ya" said my manager. I kept on nodding.. but i don't want to leave my office. Kept on
sitting there, fumbling with whatever there is trying to keep my mind in one piece. "Hey,
even my whole quarter's meeting is finished, and you're still here?" staring at her, i know
i must leave already. Quickly I packed up my stuff.. walked around the corner to disappear
myself at the cafetaria. Sat there.. staring at thin air.. still reluctant to leave office.

Leaving office, where do i go? Home? For ? drown myself again?

Gareth Gates - Say It Isn't So

Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterday
Wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
How can I be smiling like before
When baby you don't love me anymore

[Chorus:]
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you've changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so

Tempt to find but at least we've tried
We're still alive with hopes this time
As they closed the door behind you
We're so alone and time stands still
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
as I wish I'd never found you
Wohoh
How can I be smiling when you go
Will I be strong enough to carry on

[Chorus]

Miles, miles to go
Before I can sail
Before I can nail my love for you to sleep
Oh darling
I get miles, miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear me laugh again

[Chorus]

Fools in the game of Love

Elvis Presley - A Fool Such As I

Now and then there's a fool such as I
Pardon me, if I'm sentimental
When we say goodbye
Don't be angry with me should I cry
When you're gone, yet I'll dream
A little dream as years go by
Now and then there's a fool such as I

Now and then there's a fool such as I am over you
You taught me how to love
And now you say that we are through
I'm a fool, but I'll love you dear
Until the day I die
Now and then there's a fool such as I

Now and then there's a fool such as I am over you
You taught me how to love
And now you say that we are through
I'm a fool, but I'll love you dear
Until the day I die
Now and then there's a fool such as I
Now and then there's a fool such as I
Now and then there's a fool such as I

=====================================================

Well written song which tells us theres always a fool in us when we're in love.
I guess thats how it is when you are, but better not be.

Twice the scars have then reminded me such again and again. As the song says, Love is for fools. Yeah.

To those that have kept on telling me not to be so sad and kept on comforting me that theres always hope and the right person. Thanks for all those comfort. I know it came from your good heart. Once bitten twice shy, twice bitten never try.

Love is sweet when its placed with the right person, its bitter and sour, even hurts your tougue like pineapple when you placed it with the wrong person.

To those that have been comforting me, it have always been proven that my theories are right. Trust me. Emotions entanglement.. whatever it is. Its never worth. Stop debating with me on this anymore..

And to the ones that told me to love you and eventually I did.. it always happens this way. Its always not me who wanted it to happen, be it fear or be it cowardice.. but when it happens that you have built up the bricks of love. Then I'll always be the one to put all my efforts to maintain the blocks and ensure it doesn't goes wear and tear. This building eventually became centre of my attention or life.. then what happens? The builder of the building hit the building so hard that it all fell apart. Yet the one who falls the hardest would be me. Why? Might as well don't build? Don't maintain it. When it falls, the pain is too much to bear.

REST IN PEACE be my trust my mind and my soul for the four letter words. Don't waste time pushing me to the ICU or surgery room, just wrap me in a black paper bag and throw it down the coffin. - RIP

Missing RIB

A girl in love asked her boyfriend.

Girl: Tell me. Who do you love most in this world?

Boy: You, of course!

Girl: In your heart, what am I to you?

Boy: The boy thought for a moment and looked intently in her eyes and said, "You are my rib. It was said that God saw that Adam was lonely, during his sleep, God took one of Adam's rib and created Eve. Every man has been searching for his missing rib, only when you find the woman of your life, you'll no longer feel the lingering ache in your heart."

After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a while.

However, the youthful couple began to drift apart due to the busy schedule of life and the never-ending worries of daily problems, their life became mundane.

All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to gnaw away their dreams and love for each other. The couple began to have more quarrels and each quarrel became more heated.

One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house. At the opposite side of the road, she shouted, "You don't love me!"

The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, retorted, "Maybe, it was a mistake for us to be together! You were never my missing rib!"

Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long while. He regretted what he said but words spoken are like thrown away water, you can never take it back. With tears, she went home to pack her things and was determined in breaking-up.

Before she left the house, "If I'm really not your missing rib, please let me go." She continued, "It is less painful this way. Let us go on our separate ways and search for our own partners."

Five years went by...

He never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life indirectly. She had left the country and back. She had married a foreigner and divorced. He felt anguished that she never waited for him.

In the dark and lonely night, he lit his cigarette and felt the lingering ache in his heart. He couldn't bring himself to admit that he was missing her.

One day, they finally met. At the airport, a place where there were many reunions and good byes. He was going away on a business trip. She was standing there alone, with just the security door separating them. She smiled at him gently.

Boy: How are you?

Girl: I'm fine. How about you? Have you found your missing rib?

Boy: No.

Girl: I'll be flying to New York in the next flight.

Boy: I'll be back in 2 weeks time. Give me a call when you are back. You know my number. Nothing has changed.

With a smile, she turned around and waved good bye.

Good bye...

One week later, he heard of her death. She had perished in New York, in the event that shocked the world.

Midnight, once again, he lit his cigarette. And like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart. He finally knew. She was the missing rib that he had carelessly broken.

Sometimes, people say things out of moments of fury. Most often than not, the outcome could be disastrous and detrimental. We vent our frustrations 99% at our loved ones. And even though we know that we ought to "think twice and act wisely", it's often easier said than done.

Things happen each day, many of which are beyond our control. Let us treasure every moment and everyone in our lives.

Tomorrow may never come. Give and accept what you have today.

Birthday VOW

My vow to myself for my next year's birthday.
Be happy, thankful to GOD for giving me all I have and will have then.
Never to let anyone else influence my happiness anymore.
Not to get drunk, not to cry, not to be hurt, not to torture myself.
Not to add wounds to my already scars.
Live my life for myself not for anyone else.
Spoil myself for that day.

I've had enough sad birth-days. So...
May my Heavenly Father bless and grant me such with His grace.

Don't Tell Me IT anymore

Don't ask me to trust it again
Tell me no more
I don't want to risk it all again
The pain is too much
I can't give it anymore
Don't say it to me
For I could not answer to it
The wounds are still fresh
In my mind could never clasp
The trust to it again
Move on I will
But don't tell it to me anymore
This word called LOVE
It only constitutes PAIN

Drunken Birthday

Boy, have never drank and puke and drank and puke for so many times. Ugh.. still having he hangover. Happy birthday oh dolphin? Yeah, happy it is ... Ho?

Guess all my birthdays are all spoilt by my most loved-ones. :) Happy spoiling.

Birthday Blues II

Here again my birthday blues! Loneliness surely makes us think a lot don't we?

I'm again one year older now. Looking at what I have now, feel so lost and low. I'm only riding on a scooter without savings and only liability. Earning peanuts, able to afford instant noodles only. Living with family and alone. Buzzing around my computer alone. Blogging here alone. A head full of rotten memories. And a stubborn mule! :)

Whats next for the coming year of my life? All I could do is to pray to Heavenly Father that may His grace be with me, as He to fill my life with His presence. May He fill my life with joy and not loneliness or depression or tension anymore. :) Amen! Praise to the Almighty! Amen!

Birthday Blues

My birthday is coming. Age ticking to 23 then. Should I be happy? Yeah. Am I eager for it? Well.. sorta.

During my childhood all I think of for birthday would be BIG BIG TOYS! And lotsa lots food. Especially Kentucky Fried Chicken! Food Food Food!

What bout during these mature years of mine? Honestly. Nothing much that I could hope for. Sad to say, never once I get to spend my birthday with my loved one well, aside from with my family.

For these five years' birthday I've mostly spent it with good ol buddies of mine and also conventionally dinner with family. Lonely birthdays I had through the years.

Down the years' of birthdays I had, only once I manage to spent with my so called soul mate then. But it was the most sour and sad birthday I had. Memory of the day would be tears and pain with disappointment and sadness that he brought me. Ever spent your birthday in tears?

Who doesn't want to spend their birthday with their soul mate? Its just fate that I never get to spend a happy birthday with my cherished partner. I guess this year is not exceptional either.

Lonely birthdays I may have, but I'm still fortunate and blessed to have good old buddies of mine that have never stop filling me with joy! Cheers to every-one of them and blessed be every-one of us!

Touching Old Song

All Saints - Never Ever

A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
And how long its been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention
Or did I not give enough affection
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face
Or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter
Either way I have to know
Did I never treat you right
Did I always start the fight
Either way I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions I have to find

My head spinning
Boy I'm in a daze
I Feel isolated
Don't want to communicate
Take a shower
I will scour
I will roam...
Find peace of mind, the happy mind
I once owned, yeah...

Flexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Z
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my concience asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I have done nothing wrong, though...
I'm just waiting, cause I heard that this feeling won't last that long

Never ever, ever, ever felt so low
When you gonna take me outta this black hole
Never ever, ever, ever felt so sad,
The way I'm feeling yeah you got me feeling really bad
Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig a way to find my own peace of mind
I'm never ever have my conscious to fight
The way I'm feeling yeah it just don't feel right

I'll keep searching
Deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't want to hurt no more
I need peace
Got-to-feel-at-ease
Need to be...
Free from the pain
Go insane my heart aches, yeah...

Sometimes vocabulary runs through my head
The alphabet runs right from A to Zed
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy...
I'm sure I have done nothing wrong
Now, I'ma just a waiting, cause I heard that this feeling won't last
that long

You can tell me to my face
You can tell me on the phone
Ooh you can write it in a letter babe
Cause I really need to know
You can tell me to my face
You can tell me on the phone
Ooh you can write it in a letter babe
Cause I really need to know
You can write it in a letter babe
You can write it in a letter babe...

Almost Blacked out

As usual I was hopping and stretching on the board in gym for the Body Step class, while looking around to see if there are any fammiliar faces.

Suddenly I almost blacked out. Struggled I tried to regain balance on my feet. I shook my head twice to gain back proper sight. Walked out of the room feeling really dizzy and blurred vision my pace is slow yet my direction wasn't proper. Moving from left to right trying to reach to the ladies dressing room. I sat down breathing heavily wondering what went wrong.

Almost blacked out falling off the board. geez... Yeah of course.. I went for blood donation. I never thought that it'd affect me physically. Though I donated 450ML of blood, but usually it won't matter much, coz i'd still continue on with my usual activities after the donation. But oh well, must be a really bad week, swollen ankle, depression, lack of blood...etc etc. haiz.

With my swollen ankle, after donation, lack of sleep.. i shouldn't have went for the gym should i? but i just want to push myself off, refuse to let depression overcome me. I guess..

2 Cheeky Dolphins!

Cheeky Dolphins

Can you handle two Cheeky Dolphins?

Miror-ing !